Animatronic Santa Charged in Slayings of 267 Children Over 46 Years

1962 - a time of innocence.  Americans were obsessed with the future and all the wonders it would bring. It was the year the Jetson’s first aired on Sunday night network television. The year John Glenn became the first American to orbit the earth.   And it was the first year an animatronic mass murdering Santa Claus took a child’s life.

In 1962 the public craved anything that reeked of a time yet to come.  Due to the many restrictions government puts on stem cell research, advances In robotics and AI were more advanced in many ways then than they are now.  In those days, the creation of half human or half animal and half robot cyborgs were common place.

The first and only animatronic Santa that Macys’s has ever put on display in their Herald Square flagship store was was purchased from the Cyberdyne Systems, a robotics company specializing in animal robot cyborgs, in August 1962.  Cyberdyne was an unethical company known to do brain and intelligence  research on babies, monkeys, and even baby monkeys.  Their cruel experiments with animals and robots were the eventual downfall of the company.   Taking the brain of a baby monkey and putting it into the animatronic body of a Santa was their final creation.  Market research showed that everyone loves babies, everyone loves monkeys, and everyone loves Santa, so their marketing department demanded research and development to figure out a way to combine all three.

After 18 months of grueling R&D, which eventually bankrupted the company, the one and only T-800 Model Animatronic Santa was born.  Unfortunately, Cyberdyne’s research failed to uncover a fact known only  recently to scientists.  Baby monkeys are mentally vicious killers, only unable to act upon their urges due to the weakness of their cute furry bodies. Although the combination seemed like it would be cute, and that the public would adore, it would up being a deadly mix.

Once one of these brains was placed into the body of Santa, a series of killings began that lasted nearly half a century.  Animatronic T-800 had the blood hungry mind of a young Macaque. His job was to stand still and say HO HO HO, but whenever he’d see a child stray off from his mother, he’d leap into action.  He’d pull children up into the ceilings like a spider using webs of cotton snow, where he’d dismember them, and store their bodies for further mutilation and eventual drying.

Macys stores keep their heat quite high in the winter to make shoppers uncomfortable so they’ll buy their merchandise then leave.  Santa took advantage of these high temperatures to cook the child meat into a sort of jerky that he would leave outside for the homeless to consume.  Over the course of 46 years Santa murdered well over 250 children.  A body count of 267 has been verified from the bone pile workers discovered in the  ceiling of the store. Some estimate the body count to be as high as 500.

When area residents heard the news they mistakenly pulled another model Animatronic Santa out of the store.  It wasn’t me!,  screemed the Santa.  Not MEEEE beep as residents strung the santa up with cables and beat him with aluminum baseball bats until the red lights in his eyes dimmed down to nothing and his screams quieted down to a subtle “beep beep bioooop” before dying out.

Santa is currently being held by the New York City Department of Correction in an undisclosed location awaiting sentencing. Families across the country are calling for his termination.