There is no such thing as grape ice cream. The reason? It has a lot to do with dogs, girls,…

200 years ago people lived in caves and wore animal skins and cleaned chimneys with the bones of small children…

If you pass out in your sleep, you’ll never wake up again. Homage to “It come to sleep on your…

The boy carelessly lost the small rubber Godzilla figure from the car at an interstate rest stop. “Mom! Stop! My…

When the Robot King decrees, “Exfoliate them. All of them!” the sponge bots obey. Since they are sponge bots not…

Apples of your cheeks should be called tomatoes of your cheeks because when you punch them they split open like…

T.S. Eliot wrote “Humankind cannot bear very much reality.”  Four out of five people are obsessed with dead bears and…

Dear Mom and Dad, As you know, I moved far away. The town I live in now doesn’t have duck…

Mt: Why don't they call wild boars vampire pigs? Ft: Yeah that's what they are. They have long fangs just…

Now with even more sugar! Goes great on waffles, pancakes, or guzzled straight from the bottle. Plastic shot glass included…

In 1994 or 1995 the patient had become a security guard at the local community college. The job was to…

Submit your article, story, or drawing to EMToast for a chance to get it published on the site and win…

I am very dumb, and very serious.  That is a dangerous type of person. 

NEWS FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: Robin Think “I’ll Give You My Lovin’ (Like It Or Not) singer caused another uproar…

Turkey legs. He comin' for you birthday. He got somethin' real nice for ya too.

Folgers crystals are life crystals. Don't let nobody tell you different. When I was having that heart attack, I put…

When I was 20 years old, I saw my first old pussy. It was bad. I was working in a…

1998. I asked a friend for help today moving some boxes. Nothing too involved, a couple boxes of paperbacks from…

NY radio station 1010 WINS broadcast today that "behavior problems can turn the child you love and your life into…

Dojo Billy Wizard and Laser Dog send their birthday wishes.  Hope it’s your birthday soon. Drawing by Bixby.

I finally colorized the birthday card Bixby drew for me last year.

Dad always told me even if it’s hot out you can't leave the windows open in your car because you…

This is the sneak preview of the “Hands Off and Cat” Billboard to be rolled out later this year. Artwork…

This is the first installment of my secret family recipe book. More to come in the future. Enjoy Snackersquatches and…

This is the sneak preview of the “Burnty Goodness” Billboard to be rolled out later this year. Artwork for this…

This is the sneak preview of the “Burnt Toast” Billboard to be rolled out later this year. Artwork for this…

This is the sneak preview of the “Don't Be A Nunsk” Billboard to be rolled out late Fall. Artwork for…

This is the sneak preview of the “Toast Face One” Billboard to be rolled out late this fall.  Artwork for…

This is the sneak preview of the “Dirty Germs With Combovers” Billboard to be rolled out late this fall. Artwork…

The second billboard in this fall’s marketing campaign begs the target market to put an end to dolphin rape. Since…

This fall EMToast will begin a Billboard marketing campaign in select cities.  This is the sneak preview of the “No…

Hot dogs originated in an area of Europe once known as Germany in a time when humans scavenged the leftovers…

They used to make cool rings that instead of precious stones had poisonous spiders encased in glass.  After the animal…

“I am mentally decapitated,” she said.

"Excuse me, but your dog has a bitter voice, a very bitter voice.  It cuts right through me."

Garlic makes the heart beat twice as strong.  When a vampire bites into the throat of a garlic eater, the…

“You Stoped A Hart.”  These words painted 20 years ago in red on the side of an overpass . Who…

I'm cornbread eating mad. I was at the fruit store looking for come jujuberries and this little girl starts looking…

Look Ma! I made a picture of cocaine on tinfoil with blood on it.

Big Clark was one of the greatest singers of the 20th century. The key to becoming a superior singer is…

Lozaq the father lived next door to us. He looked like a gentle child molester with light dog shit colored…

  Post you guesses below.

“Did you ever hear about the movie less than zero?  That's about your brain power.”

I grew in the ghetto of my town, but I never knew it until I read it in the paper…

Whether you're sure someone is dying this year, or you just hope they are, be sure to wish them a…

I asked my friend’s father if he had any toy robots when he was a kid.  He told me, “Robots…