Weekly Horrorscopical Preparations for the '09

in 2009

ARIES: Everyone hates the boss at some time or another, but they can usually get by without call her a snake mouthed mother fucker to her face, remember that.

TAURUS: Why bother? You're a Taurus and always will be.

GEMINI: You will discover a trend and name it the you can go without sleep for 144 hours straight on the folgers crystals in a can of coke with a 4 vivarin chaser and one peanuts worth of protein a day diet.

CANCER: Pastor Manning like the words that he is saying in his mouth right now long legged baby Jesus was created by a snake epiglottis. wait...what?

LEO: You will discover exactly how many rolls of quarters the human colon can hold before a prolapse is imminent.

VIRGO: You are going on a hiking expedition. Boredom will make you think it's a good idea to pretend you are Papillion in a French Guiana Prison, however you should really reconsider where you carry your Swedish fire steel.

LIBRA: You will change a life and make a small child very sad. He will show you the DS that Santa got him for Christmas along with the only game he has, nintendogs you will show him the DS that your brother got you along with the loaded r4 card and his soul will shrivel up and this will forever be burned into his memory as the day he got dicked over by Santa and instead of not believing in Santa he will hate Santa and he will be plagued for the rest of his life by his all consuming hatred and need for revenge and whenever he plays nintendogs(the only game that dick brought him) he will hear the word 'recompense' in every bark from every yappy little puppy.

SCORPIO: The newsman told you to wash your vegetables. who the hell washes vegetables before they eat them? Don't be a pussy, if you can't take a little lettuce pickers fecal flakes then maybe you don't deserve to eat them and you need to change your name to Atkins MacBeeferton.

SAGITTARIUS: You are going to attend an AC/DC concert in the Cancun Walmart, in the quiet between sets you will shout out "PEANUT NECK!!!!" and the crowd will go wild.

CAPRICORN: Your going to bring back the the days of 40 foot ejaculations and online preacher certificates , bring them back with a vengeance and maybe a new album, sexsexsexsexsexhothothothotthisisnotspamhothothotsexysexysexsexsex.

AQUARIUS: You and little Cappie are going to make a fragillion dollars together by marketing a soy based real doll to the silicone latex allergic home schooled Germanic albino subterranean cannibalistic morlock eloi basement dweller population of Nebraska

PISCES: Feck that ooh ooh they discovered over 1000 new species of giant rats in Malaysia shit because you will make a startling discovery in DS chat, snakes with boobs.